Who Shot Hamid Mir?

Oh! I must tell you I hate the man, I hate the looks of him, I hate his talk, I hate his views, I hate his chubby appearance, his manner of speech, his effete, poor, pathetic English (which he prefers not to speak in). I hate the guy, really. But not enough to shoot or kill him, I mean. Its just a hate one develops for someone they don’t like in the first look. Heck, I can’t even remember when I first saw or heard him, but it was instinctive. I mean how can you love they guy? You can’t ignore him, so what’s left? hate off course. This dud, which we are forced to see every time we switch on the idiot box, and are forced to change the channel, is in the news, big time. Someone, tried to kill him. Yeah , yeah its all over the news everyone knows that. But then he says the spies wanted to kill him. Damn! Reminds me of the 80’s flick “Spies like us.” They must have been a nasty lot of shooters who missed him from such close distance, and instead aimed for  his derrière. No wait, were they Pathans? Ah, I guess so. Maybe they fancied him, I mean his derrière. But then why shoot him in that tender part? If they were Pathans they should have kidnapped him and had a go on him. Big time! Big booty! Big fun! Whoa! But instead they shot him in the booty. Phew! And fled away.

I guess it was old enmity. Those guys couldn’t get him when they and he were young, so instead they decided to settle the score by hitting him where it hurt him most. His prized possession. Now scared and bullet ridden. They say six bullets him him there, three are still in there. Doing what?

I scoured the net, looking for info on hit-men, professional killers and hired guns but could find not one who shot their targets in their behinds. I mean they normally go for the head shots, or even torso. There’s one called the “Mozambique drill” in which two shots are placed on the torso followed by one in the head. Well then, we have a very first case of “The Hit-your-behind Drill”. Yes, the spies might even consider going for a patent. If it gets through, the victim is sure to make some good money as the one who perfected the “The Hit-your-behind Drill” will prefer to stay at large. You know the usual, “na maloom afrad” thing. And also because the victim presented a bigger and attractive target. Man I would love to interview those doctors who did the ghoulish act of taking out those 9 mm or .30 bore or whatever they were from his booty.

The Police is still confused, reliable sources tell me that they are “investigating” the matter in its entirety and wants to get down to the “bottom” of things. Those “@ss shooters” as they should be called have stirred up quite a conundrum in the legal and political circles as well. Even the wily PM went to inquire about the victim; Hamid Mir. Maybe he wanted to see the extent of “damage”. Killing is a bad thing, but shooting down there, what sort of revenge is that? Come on guys. You could do better. I mean if the spies did it, they should be sent to India to join RAW. But if the Pathans are behind this greatest mystery of the month, then I think it needs further investigations. And form what I know, if they ever catch the shooters, they need some good explaining to do.

This might give the director of “Waar II” new ideas. I am going to drop him an email. Wait a minute, what’s his name? Lashari something. Why kill someone, when you can shoot him in the booty. Get the picture? I mean the bigger picture?