Rifles… Are they male or female?

What the … ? I guess you must be wondering what this article is all about. I have been pondering on this issue since long, in fact much longer than I can remember and somehow I think my lamentations aren’t off the mark. They make sense to me, I am and able bodied and able minded male and hence I guess most of my reasoning and logic is fair. But before I begin let me say a few words about the motivation behind this rather risqué topic.

When I was young, I mean in my teens, ogling at girls was something that came naturally to me. And I practiced it more than anything, to ogle without the subject being aware was a pure pleasure. As age waned and the child in me turned in to a man, the single sense of sight no longer sufficed and all five senses were put to good use. My marriage certainly blew a death blow to all this. Now in the Middle Ages guns, rifles, air guns infatuate me more than anything else. And the presumption leads me to believe the fact that there are many things that a woman and a rifle have in common and hence rifles are FEMALE. I believe this logic makes a lot of sense. Believe me my lamentations aren’t unfounded, as soon you shall see. So what is it that leads me to believe that rifles are female and not male? Read on guys….

Beauty is enticing. Yes it is. Beauty is always enticing, inviting and tempting. Many a men go weak in the knees on seeing a beautiful woman or a rifle. The length, curves, smoothness, butt (base) and all other physical attributes are quite common and like it or not will make a man cringe or groan. In my case it happens to be an inward groan coming through the throat, which mostly is quite unnoticeable.

Long or Tall? A rifle in most cases is of good length, enough to arouse interest in a man. I reckon this can be likened to a tall woman with loooong never ending legs. Obviously no one likes shorties! Too long (tall) and it looks out of proportions besides being unreachable, to short and it won’t arouse interest.

It costs money. Off course it costs money, enough to blow a hole in one’s wallet as do all women. You need to be a constant spend thrift in order to possess them and maintain them. There has to be some dichotomy here between a Desi (Local) Rifle here and a Walayati (Imported) Rifle. But on most cases it will cost you money for a good piece. And you need to spend constantly just to maintain them.

They are dangerous. Yuppers, they are dangerous and they can kill a man, or anything for that matter. Owner or no owner they won’t know the difference between the two. For them friend and foe are all equal. Treat them with respect and they respect you, treat them bad and you are sure to face hell or even go there.

They are noisy. Well they sure as H*** make a big bang. Most if not all weapons are like that, with exceptions to the ones that have silencers fitted. Rifles go a step further they not only are noisy but also give a good backward jerk (recoil) when fired J Guys don’t get too imaginative! In most cases women will make noises though the pitch, quality and loudness varies according to the situation, but the trait is common.

Care and maintenance. They need constant care, pestering and maintenance. This obviously means spending time, money and efforts. You need to protect them from dust, corrosion, and other ills besides oiling them regularly…

They will Protect You. Yes they will but only if you protect them and take good care. All rifles are lethal and will protect the owner. If you use them carefully and sensibly they will always be by your side, no matter what.   

It’s a man’s pride. A beautiful, sleek, curvaceous, long (tall), light rifle is the owner’s pride and onlookers envy such possessions. Oglers may be subject to frequent jealousy attacks, though. All men would want to HOLD and fire a good rifle. The newer models are highly sought after especially by men in middle ages and beyond. Then there are young men who prefer old and sometimes antique models, the ones which have carvings all over their bodies, but it’s all a matter of preference, I guess. They give many a man sleepless nights and (strange) dreams.

It’s fun to fire (use) them. Whether you’re going on a hunt or it’s a trip to the ranges there is no better feeling than to hold your (rifle) close to your body. Then load the ammo, align the sights, take aim and shoot. That for sure is fun. Newbies frequently miss their targets but that is ok as it takes time, practice and patience. As time passes the owner gains complete confidence in his prized possession and they develop a sort of understanding. Need I say they need cleaning after a good firing session? Find anything similar here? Read on for more.

The Base (Butt). Well what else can you say about it? There are rifles that are meant for rough use and so have special padding on their Butts, called as Butt Plates. These protect them from excessive wear and tear. In other cases they may adorn them with plastics for absorbing the shocks that a user experiences from frequent firing and usage. A butt, frankly takes a lot of punishment so it has to be strong and firm. Old and expensive rifles have special carving on their whole body including the Butt. Some people find it attractive but I have my reservations.

The more time you spend with the, the better you get to know them. Well that’s debatable. But generally yes, the more you use them the better you come to know them. There have been cases where an owner may ditch his rifle for a newer MODEL and then there are people who just can’t seem to part ways with old ones. They are basically what you call OLD SCHOOL. I know people who are insatiable when it comes to KEEPING rifles, they just can’t make do with a single rifle. They would have multiple rifles with varying bores, shapes, sizes, range, looks, weight and fire power, betas me, simply beats me. May be they like to hunt with a different one each time.

So guys I am sure by now you all will be convinced that rifles are after all female. My apologies if the article sounded a little less refined in language but that’s what happens when MEN discuss RIFLES. You just can’t help discussing their anatomy in a sober language, it is not easy and it isn’t that enjoyable and fun the other way. Adios Amigos! 🙂